Will we recover from lying and infidelity?
About a year and a half ago my ex boyfriend and I had decided to get back together after years of breaking up and getting back together. During the time we decided to get back together we were living in different cities about 5 hours away. About a month into getting back together I cheated on him. He was visiting once and I lied about being unfaithful and told him I just kissed the guy. A year passed and we now live together and he found out through a friend that I had really slept with the guy. He confronted me about it and I confessed.
It’s been a month since he found out and we’re still living together. We’ve gone through some counseling sessions but he doesn’t know if he can forgive me. I’m trying to be patient but am uncertain if he’ll ever be able to forgive me. He says things like "I don’t know if I can ever trust you, I’m still mad, I can’t believe you lied for so long…"
He also refuses to make any plan with me, even just weekend plans. He says that he doesn’t know if he could plan a trip with me over the summer because he’s still upset. I’m not sure if I should continue to be patient or if this is sign that we will not recover. Thanks for advice…
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Tags: counseling, sessions
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
Two things a relationship cannot survive: physical abuse and infidelity.
I’m currently in your boyfriend’s shoes. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and just last August I discovered a 4-month relationship she was having with a coworker.
She insisted she was sorry, that this was the only time anything like this had ever happened, and that she would do whatever it took to save our marriage. After 8 months of counseling, I have realized that our relationship had changed profoundly, and we have started divorce proceedings. It’s not even a matter of forgiveness - she is simply not the person I thought she was, and she is no longer the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.
When we were on our honeymoon we asked an older couple what the secret was to a long and happy marriage. They said Trust and Respect. My wife destroyed my trust in her, displayed an utter disrespect for both me and our marriage, and destroyed the respect I had for her.
Whether or not you two stay together, I sincerely hope you have learned your lesson. And I seriously hope that you never have to live through the pain you have caused him. There is no pain you can inflict on someone else that hurts as much as infidelity.
As I told my wife, you did not make a "mistake," you made a choice.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
He’s known about your cheating for a month and yet you state that you are the one being "patient"? Wow, you must be disappointed he hasn’t recovered quickly enough to please you. You need to earn his forgiveness, not demand it like it’s something he owes you.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
I really cant blame him. I wouldnt trust you any more either.
The lie was far more damaging then tossing your cookie at some other guy.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
wow
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
You’re a cheating whore and you’re upset he is taking too long to forgive you?
Really gets you in the mind-set doesn’t it…
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
take as a sign and move on. you have had a rocky relationship full of lies and cheating. both of you need to grow up and learn how to treat another person before you get involved with anyone again.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
If you love him then you be patient and understand he is deeply hurt. With the devastation of cheating comes the lost of trust. He did not create this situation, you did. So now you have to accept the consequences and allow him time to vent. Not saying this to be judgemental, you are human and you made a mistake. But unfortunately your mistake has hurt the trust in the relationship and there is no remedy to get it back quick. Continue with therapy and hopefully you both will be able to overcome this. Good luck hun.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
what more do you want from him?
you cheated! his heart is broken.
the question is can you honestly say you will never do it again? that’s what he is asking himself over and over.
could you handle it if he had done that to you?…i doubt it.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
Hi - not nice, the person who called you a ‘cheating w**re”, and not true either. Clearly you regret it, and you want this relationship to work out.
I would honestly look back at the past you shared with him; all that breaking up and making up - this is how it’s going to continue into the future, too. You’re still the same people, only now you have the added friction and troubles that come with one of you being a cheat. I don’t think it will work out, but I fear you will invest much precious time in this relationship, only to be disappointed.
Try not to confuse guilt with love, or lowered self-esteem with a need to be with this man - I honestly would end it kindly and be by yourself for several months, thinking long and hard about the cheating episode and what you can learn from it so that you don’t carry that kind of response into the next relationship.
In some ways, the people who are mocking you for your ‘patience’ are right; it’s no use at all being impatient with someone who has been cheated on - his sense of self-worth, his male pride, his dignity, his innocent affection for you, his thoughts on women in general - all of those have been badly dented. Recovery from those things can take a lifetime, if they happen at all. The betrayed partner eventually learns to LIVE with the knowledge, but forgiving and forgetting are quite another matter. The cheater who wants to stay with the person they betrayed will need a LIFETIME of patience, not just a few weeks or months.
Best for both of you to let go, I think.
All the best, good luck.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
The real problem here is time.
First and foremost, a month is not that much time to muster forgiveness. Imagine if it was you, and this may actually help. Think about your relationship, think about, really try to feel how you think you would feel if the roles are reversed. Would you stay with him? Would you forgive him within a month? If nothing else this may help you to really empathize with your boyfriend. Secondly, you’ve unfortunately put yourself in a position where merely saying "I wont cheat on you" isn’t going to be enough. You need for there to be time for him to regain trust. Trust doesn’t just grow back in a month. Level with him, say something like "I know what I did hurt you, I know you cant trust me and I cant ask you to. But I want to be in this relationship, let me prove to you that your trust wont be for nothing".
Frankly, if the relationship was truly doomed, he wouldn’t be sticking it out to see if the trust will come back, he would still be with you if he didn’t clearly still love and want to trust you. Go earn it! The relationship still has a chance if you guys are trying.
If I had to make a guess though I would think that you are the one who doesn’t really want to be in this relationship. You say you guys have broken up before, more than once, you cheated and lied to him, and that’s a symptom of something you feel isn’t right. I honestly think you need to take sometime to think about the way you really feel about this relationship. People dont sabotage for no reason, they sabotage because they’re unhappy. Either way good luck.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
I’m not here to lecture you. But I think you need to be patient. If you want to break up with him because he is having a hard time getting over it then your the bad guy here. You cheated just give him time. It hurts but he loves you enough to stick around after you cheated… you need to be patient and wait he still love you. You just need to earn your trust again.
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
You both have learned something here, and you both should accept it and move on.
He learned that women cheat just like men, and so he should always be aware that it could happen. You have learned that you’re not committed relationship material (I’m not going to call you a whore), so you should just sleep around, enjoy it, and accept who you are.
You both deserve to be happy!!
June 20th, 2010 at 2:31 am
Your boyfriend is angry and hurt and rightfully so. I don’t know if you had confessed as soon as it happened whether anything would have turned out differently but finding out a year into getting back together seems to have done the most damage.
Trust in a relationship is earned and for him that’s been shattered. The fact that he’s still there and willing to go to counseling says something. If he’s willing to try then it’s up to you to be as patient as need be for him try to regain that trust.
If you love him you’ll give him however much time he needs..if not love him enough to let him go.