Repost: Ask the tough questions now or wait for hard evidence?
My apologies to anyone who saw this posted earlier. This may be the most important question I ask here, and I’m just trying to reach as many segments of this community as I can.
When it comes to wives who fool around I’m in a tiny minority based on what I’ve found in this forum. I’m really not comfortable with the typical response of "kick her out" or "divorce the whore," because I love her too much to think in those terms. And frankly the fear of losing her is worse than the idea of what she might be doing. It’s all about priorities and that’s where mine are right now…keeping the marriage intact, no matter what. For better or worse…and all that. That’s a vow too, no matter that she may have broken one as well. And this is all conjecture anyway….based on the classic signs of an unfaithful spouse. But the main one is my gut feeling. If I bring up her sexier clothes it’s because she thought I would like it. The same for the subtle, but noticeable, changes when we make love. She thought I would like her to change things up for excitement. If she is doing anything it’s far from routine. She just doesn’t have the time or opportunities to pull off a full blown affair. She does have two to four business trips a year and that would be her best chance. And it’s right after those that I notice most of the signs. I’ve been in relationships where the love dies at some point, and this is nothing like that. I would definitely know if the love between us was gone and it’s far from that. My question is should I talk to her about this now or wait until I have more concrete proof that something is going on? If I ask, she’ll tell me because she’s never shied away from the tough questions. But once I ask, and she answers, then we’re on a path I may not be ready to take. Not without a lot of preparation anyway. But I also know it has to be addressed eventually, and that’s why I’m seeking advice on the timing. Please don’t call her names or be unkind, because this is my wife…the love of my life and the girl of my dreams. She’ll be back home later this week and I’m trying to work up the nerve if I decide to talk it out.
Admittedly this seems a little paranoid. And a big element of this is my gut feeling, which could be wrong. I just don’t want to approach her about a possibile infidelity if it’s not happening. She’d be crushed.
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Tags: apologies, business trips, classic signs, clothes, concrete proof, conjecture, excitement, fear, gut feeling, marriage, noticeable changes, priorities, relationships, segments, tiny minority, tough questions, typical response, unfaithful spouse, vow, whore
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Well man you need to talk to her about it. Sure you may hear something you really don’t want but the great things is, once its out there (if theres anything) you and move on from your anxiety and distrust and start to feel much better about the situation and your marriage. It sounds like its totally eating you up inside and you want to do whats right but at the same time you want the truth. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know how you’ve felt and that you want to know. I don’t think she’ll lie from what you told us of her so just be honest and see how this works. You will want to know thats for sure so just go with it. Take care! It will be okay!
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
just tell her how you feel. waiting is not the answer, it may build resentment and then it will be much much worse!!!
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
You should be able to talk to her about how you feel about anything without fear of prosecution or fear of hurting your marriage. Part of any relationship that is going to work, works because you communicate openly and honestly. You accept and you forgive.
Don’t let the fascination of having the girl of your dreams keep you from having the honest, loving and faithful relationship you are due from being married.
God gave us our "gut feeling" for a reason. Think about it.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
You do not have concrete evidence of her cheating, so it would be a sad situation if you acused her of it. I truly feel what you need is reasurance and do not know how to go about asking for it. Whenever me or my husband need reasurance from each other, we simply ask for it by saying, "honey, I need reasurance of your love and loyalty to me"….and it helps. If your doubts about your wife’s loyalty is getting the best of you there are ways to approach the subject without actually accusing her. You simply tell her about how insecure you have been feeling and then ask her to reasure you of these insecurities. Or is it that you avoid approaching the subject for fear of opening up a secret you do not want to know about? Your fears may be for nothing or they may be valid, either way you need to get answeres for the doubts you are feeling. You need to be able to open the doors of communication with your wife because leaving things unsaid can only make things worse. You are torturing yourself by dwelling on these doubts that you have. Get some reasurance from your wife. A loving wife would not hesitatle in reasuring her husband. By the way, your wife is a lucky woman to have a man who respects and loves her so much. If she is cheating, she would be foolish to do so. Good luck to you!
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
you are a different breed sir, and you clearly love your wife, but in the beginning you stated that the fear of losing her is worse then what she might be doing so the bigger question would have to be even if she answers your question and you hear the unthinkable what are you planning on doing next? Can you live with the fact that she may very well be getting some on the side or do you plan on rectifying a situation that will most undoubtably continue? Now I dont believe that your wife is a bad person far from it, with everything that everybody else does her infracture is minor and besides who am to judge? I hope that when and if you do have this talk that it turns out the way you need it to, but dont wait to long things like these have a way of festering into a fullblown unexceptable squabble
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
The problem here seems to be you, not her. You sound a little whiny, clingy, needy and a touch paranoid. You havn’t given one concrete reason why you think she’s cheating, and frankly, if this is the way you always behave, I really couldn’t blame her if she did. Knock it off.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
First of all there is nothing wrong with reposting. YOu get different people answering most of the time.
I think you need to catch her if she is. I suggest getting keyloggers and phone records also get a hidden camera and hire some one to follow her…..
But the gut feeling is right like 97 percent of the time. Yes sometimes gut feelings can be wrong but they are mostly not
I had to follow mine with my ex gf and she was cheating on me.
I caught her lol
Also avoid having sex in case she is doing another man for you could be at risk of stds
Btw
dont be afraid to lose her. I was not afraid to lose my cheating ex. When you become afraid you end up being a doormat in the years to come
RIght now I think you need to confront her and play dumb. Playing dumb and randomness is another way to catch cheaters. It has worked for me 100 percent of the time.
Remember cheaters plan things out but they can not plan on randomness like random stop bys and random phone calls..Things like that. You will throw them off
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Maybe she is different after she comes back from trips away cos she has missed you. I don’t think i would say anything unless you had some more proof or defiantly some other signs at least. You are right that if she is not it would change things after you had questioned her. Gut feelings unfortunately are normally correct though so just keep an eye out for now.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
If you feel this way, you have to talk to her. You can not live like this or your feelings will eat you up and you will grow to resent her. Find out what is going on, if she won;t talk about it, go with your gut feelings. They are usually right.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I have to agree with ‘thewifey’ (above) in that if you do nothing it will just build up in you and burst out in an uncontrolled manner sometime or other and that wont be good at all (and I speak from experience).
If she is really that aproachable, you believe you are both very much in love still, and you know she will give you a straight answer, in my mind theres nothing else to do but go for it and ask her. Be diplomatic, but more importantly be prepared for the answer. Dont just think about how to ask her, but how to respond for the best to what that answer might be.
Hope that helps dude.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I always say, go with your gut feeling because it’s the strongest instinct that we possess and usually right. But it sounds to me that you basis of fear is that of paranoia. I understand that she may be dressing a little sexier and changing your sexual routine but I think one of the biggest red flags in adultery is distance. Has she been trying to distance herself physically and emotionally from you? Do you catch her often in little lies or gone for unaccounted amounts of time? And from what you stated in which you know the love is still there, the sex is still happening, I would say that she’s not distancing herself but maybe hitting a point in her life that she wants to look her best and wants to try new things.
Though like I said, never go against your gut. Maybe approach the situation differently, instead of flat out asking her if she’s cheated, ask her about her feelings on the relationship, if she’s satisfied, what new things she’d like to try, how she’s feeling about where you are in life and kind of get a gist of her feelings through the way she communicates and just continue to be observant. Though if you feel like something is up, don’t be afraid to communicate to the woman you married, that’s what marriage is all about, open communication.
Good luck.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
It doesn’t matter how much you love her. If your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong then you need to search for proof. Leaving it open ended will simply tear you apart. If she’s unwilling show every bit evidence to disprove she isn’t being unfaithful. She gives you the guilt trip by turning things around to make you feel bad. Unless you’re into mental S.M. your life will simply continue going down hill. Is that what you want
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Ouch. I would not want to be in your shoes right now.
But…what about both? Ask her. Give her a chance to own up to you. Then, based on whether or not you can take her answer as the final word, decide whether or not you take the next step of obtaining evidence.
Because I can tell you this…if she’s NOT cheating on you, and she found out you’ve been spying on her and trying to prove she’s unfaithful, rather than asking her upfront, you may lose her anyway.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
whatever she tells you,accept it.to gain strenght, just think that what is happening to youre marraige is gods "pagsubok" trial for you to prove your love to your wife.mistake is always in our way and acceptance is the only erasure.and acceptance means LOVE.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Whether you are ready for the answers or not, you need to talk to your wife if for no other reason than to get your sanity back. You said it yourself, you don’t really have anything but a gut feeling here. You said her behavior starts mostly when she comes home for a business trip. Have you ever thought that maybe it is because she is jazzed up after one of the trips? Maybe she feels revived and wants to livein things up at home.
Now the other scenario. Asking the questions. Been there done that. Got the answer I didn’t want to hear. While my heart was breaking I was also finally facing something I knew anyway. You have to open the doors and see whats on the other side of them before you know what you will do. Anyone can say what they would do but you really don’t know until you have to face it for yourself. But face it you have to. Cheating in a marriage does not necessarily mean that marriage is over. Almost anything can be worked out if both people want to work it out. Put your cards on the table and see what you have to face.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Ask. If she is cheating, then you need to get that out in the open so the two of you can figure out how to proceed from here. If this is all in your head, then you need to get that out in the open, too, so you can start dealing with your insecurity and strengthen your relationship from that end. And if you’re afraid of the issues that might be unleashed, find some counseling resources before you begin the conversation so you’ll have them on hand if you need extra support.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
This is an ill sentence, or it is better to say; an ill’s sentence:
"But the main one is my gut feeling. If I bring up her sexier clothes it’s because she thought I would like it. "
You do not know anything about your wife’s feelings, or urges, however you think/imagine that she WOULD cheat on you but there is no business trip that could give her the chance.., etc..
You cannot understand that if your wife wants to make sex with somebody than an office table, or a simple chair is enough place to do that. You cannot understand that if your wife wants to makes sex with somebody then she WILL DO that, without sexy clothings, or else.
You cannot understand that your fear of your wife’s possible cheating is nothing else than a fear of that your manhood does not work well.
If your manhood worked well, then you would treat your wife’s behaviour with hard sex in your home bed, even after she just cheated on you half an hour before.
Instead if those feelings that you describe here; I mean your wife is cheating and your stomach gets in spasm of it, I advice you to give your wife that freedom what she wants, and if she took the advantage of your consent then let/ask her to tell you all the details of the actions ,and you will find that for your personality that is a big enjoyment to listen the story of how, who, when, how many times, etc. The next step is the "watching".
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
The funny thing about those "gut feelings" is that people don’t have enough faith in them and they are usually right. I would ask her, if you’re wrong then you apologize to her but it’s better than not asking and never knowing. If she is being unfaithful, I applaud you for being one of the very few who believe in working through it. The sooner you know what’s going on, the sooner you can figure out how to fix it (if there’s anything to fix).
Stop torturing yourself and ask her. If she denies it and you still feel things aren’t right, you can seek proof.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
You should believe in her and talk to her but not in a way that she would be the topic. YOU should be the topic of the conversation.
You don’t have to wait for a concrete proof that something is going on, because you being troubled definitely suggests that something is going on.
So you talk to her about how you are feeling.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
when I am daydreaming I sometimes I imagine I am with Johny Depp, but its not real. Your imagining your wife is being unfaithful and you have no evidence whatsoever. I think you need to look at your insecurities before you destroy your marriage
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Hi there,
I have to first commend you for honoring the institution of marriage and not being so quick to discard it all due to an incling of an affair. What you are feeling and experiencing is definitely something to look into. Most women have intuition which could be similar to a gut feeling and usually it is right on the money. In this situation you must clear the air. The key is doing so in a way that does not send the message that you have lost all faith and trust in her.
You must do it in a way that brings about concern and expression of wanting to find out why the subtle changes and reactions.
When you sit her down to talk about it…put it all on you. Tell her that you can’t seem to shake the feeling that there is more to the two of you than what is on the surface. Focus on what you are feeling and seeing but do not reference an affair. Just ask questions like what made her think you would like the new moves in bed or the sexier clothes…why now? Where did she get the clothes from and ask her if you are giving her enough attention. Reaffirm that you love her and she is the love of your life. Basically what you said here about your feelings for her. Reiterate that you love her dearly and trust her too much to think the changes are due to outside influences.
Do you see where I am going? You are letting her know that you see the changes and instead of accusing you are reiterating your love and devotion. When and if women cheat they normally feel guilty if they still love the man and he reiterates his love and shows more attention.
Then stop by at work to take her to lunch. Keep your eyes open to what’s going on. If you can, surprise her while she is away and bring her flowers just cause you missed her. Pay closer attention to the cellphone and her mood and attitude when she is home. Pay attention to her attitude when you show up at work unannounced for lunch. See if it is a nice surprise or if she is totally put off by it and hurried. Just be alert.
While you do not want your marriage to end, you also do not want to sit by and allow another man to steal your wife. Two people fall in bed together but most of the time one jumps out with feelings- it is usually the woman.
Best of luck to you.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Based on what you said I have a couple things to say.
For one thing, if she cheated, and you are bound and determined to remain with her, then your whole question is inconsequential.
Second of all, based on what you said, she sounds like one of the shrewd ones. One that has an answer for everything. Makes it all sound smooth and effortless, like there’s no problem at all.
Been there —– done that.
You need to get concrete evidence for this type. Check her text messages, and all you can, and keep it elsewhere so she does not find it, and she probably would look for it, if she hasn’t already.
If you try talking to her before you have evidence, she will sweet-talk you and massage the whole thing over, or she will just play you.
You can deal with a cheater in your own way, but I don’t allow cheaters in my life. No room for that stuff. I’d rather have a happy life. There’s no love in cheating. Love doesn’t involve cheating. You stay with someone abuses drugs, or gets a DUI, or loses their job, but not for cheating. Cheating is a cold-hearted, decision to violate a love that they also vowed to accept and protect. You can love those people, you can forgive them, but you do not have to keep that trash in your life.
Good luck to you.
March 8th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I believe your gut is telling you right. Now, you have to accept this and get some kind of hardcore evidence that she can not deny. This is such a horrible feeling to have to muster. You may have to become your own P.I. Buy a key-logger to get her email password, get a tracking device, check her cell phone, invest in a Sims card. Whatever it takes until you find out. However, if you tell her without evidence she will find ways to be even more discrete…or she may end the affair suddenly and never admit to you what went on (this is what my husband did).
I was just like you thinking "There’s no way my spouse has time to have an affair?" Your absolutely wrong! Most affairs happen at the work place. There are also emotional affairs, this affair may not have become sexual .
Most importantly, your marriage can grow from this only with honesty and willingness. I hope that you and your wife can get to the bottom of her infidelity and learn and grow from it.