Is he going too far with my infidelity?
A month and a half ago I admitted to my bf that I cheated on him (we were going through tough/complicated times, I was drunk — the guy and I didn’t even go all the way). The feuds, fights and screaming matches have subsided but they still linger. He broke my phone only to offer me a piece of crap hand-me-down all the while he goes and buys himself a 0 new blackberry. He’s been "trying" to make things better between us by going on dates, spending time together–all that good stuff.
His trust issues still are a problem, especially when it comes to my phone and my male friends (strictly platonic male friends,that is). He checks my texts, my calls, attempts to read through my emails, and is always asking questions about messages that seem to be "misleading" to only him.
He even thinks that my sister and I have came up with some secret text talk just so I can cover my tracks. So this morning, I had my phone turned off cause the night before I was charging it and it died–I didn’t have the need to have it on when I’m in bed. So he asks that I turn it on and to also take off all the lock codes.
Ironically HE has his phone on lock all the time, even when he’s around me. He’ll even sleep with his phone in his pocket or under is pillow, will never answer block/private calls–but will make me answer ALL my calls in front of him.
He took my phone for the day. Now I have no way in contacting him or anyone else, friends, family. What is taking my phone going to prove to him at this point?! What is he going to get out of it. Btw, he’ll even save my male friends numbers in his phone contacts "just in case he needs to speak to them".
Is he going too far? Are these signs that he’s trying to make it better? Because his actions alone don’t prove anything to me. Is it fair that I take all my locks off my phone while he can walk around with his 0 phone and keep a lock on all his applications?? He used to let my play games on his phone, but now he wont even let me look at it or touch it. Could it be that he’s hiding something too?
I figured I should keep locks on my phone since he does the same and sees no problem with it…
Mail this post
Tags: bf, blackberry, complicated times, feuds, friends family, good stuff, locks, male friends, month and a half, piece of crap, play games, signs, sleep, spending time, texts, trust issues
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Well first of all let’s get something straight. You two are not married. So there’s nothing there but trust or what’s left of it.
It would seem if he’s this jealous and yet this secretive about his life, perhaps maybe he’s cheated on you too which might explain your drunken half-completed sex act.
The point is, he’s judging you far too harshly and has failed to look at the reasons why you cheated on him in the first place. That is, if he’s this bad now, what was he like before? I’ll bet the same.
When we mistreat, ignore, abuse or neglect the ones we love they eventually get tired of it and start searching for what it is they are not getting in the relationship. You don’t strike me as being a "player", but someone who strayed because her boyfriend was being a schmuck to her.
Therefore, if the two of you are going to rebuild your relationship, then there has to be mutual trust. And that involves your boyfriend admitting to you that he mistreated you and instead of continuing to mistreat you, try and find a way so that the two of you can heal each other.
From the looks of things, you ought to just break up and move on in life. He doesn’t sound like he’s forgiven you and its likely he will hold this over your head forever.
And … what if you learned he had been seeing other girls behind your back AND hiding it? Especially after you fessed up to your half-completed infidelity?
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
I don’t care HOW bad the "times" are in my marriage, I don’t use the excuse that I was drunk to cheat. Sorry that he is bitter over your cheating. He doesn’t Have to "make it better", You do. He can’t trust you, because you’re a cheater. What don’t you understand?
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Sounds like he still has major trust issues-but I disagree with him taking your phone for the day. He needs to start accepting that you two are moving forward & put the past behind you. If he’s sleeping with his phone he may be doing something not right & thinking he can since you cheated on him. Tell him you want to read through his phone & texts & needs to answer calls in front of him too since he’s doing that to you-if he says no tell him it’s time to break up because you don’t want to be in a relationship where there is no trust.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Neither one of you have any trust in the other one. That is no way to have any relationship. If you had a REAL relationship, you never would have cheated on him no matter how drunk you were. This relationship should just end. Cut it off and stop it. Don’t let it die a long painful death.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
The "I was drunk" is not an excuse. You make a decision to put your hands on some one and to allow them to put their hands on you. So quit with the excuse. As for the phone, ask him to replace the phone he broke with one exactly like the one you had. Then, pack your stuff and leave. Move on to the next guy that is okay with your cheating any time things get rough.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
No this isn’t normal. Since your bf decided to forgive you and not break up with you, he should prove it. (If he couldn’t stand it, he could break up with you and get it over with) No, his actions are pushing it a LOT. It’s unacceptable to take your phone away from you just because he feels like it. I would dumb him immediately.
By the way, I do NOT approve of you cheating on him, but since you did come clean and it was HIS choice to forgive you and rebuild the trust, he should live up to it or break up.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Why would you want this pattern of behavior for a forever kind of life?
BTW, being drunk is no excuse for cheating. You knew what you were doing and you didn’t care. You were wrong and you need to own that. From what you wrote above, you are still trying to absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions by blaming it on going through a rough patch and intoxication. You aren’t going to rebuild his trust by assigning causes other than your own moral weakness.
To a certain extent, if you want to repair the damage you caused by cheating, you are going to have to be a completely open book. That said…if the trust issues do not abate over time, then go your separate ways instead of being under this level of vigilance for the rest of your life.
BUT…I wouldn’t put up with the controls he has put in place. They’re extreme and his reaction is a red flag. (As was your cheating a red flag.)
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
It does sound like he’s going a bit far. At the same time, realize that you will have to earn his trust back. Your infidelity may have just made him more overprotective, controlling and insecure. Problem is, now he may feel like he is entitled to control you this way and if you don’t go along with it you will get accused of cheating and/or hiding something. This is the price you pay for cheating as I’m sure you know. Calmly tell him you know you have to earn his trust back but his behavior will not make things better. Only worse as you will grow to resent him and ultimately break up with him anyway. Also if he wants to be with you, he will have to move past it because holding it over your head forever will not make this a happy relationship for either of you.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
You reap what you sow…now you’ve got to regain his trust back.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Sorry, sweetie: when you get to the point where you’re taking each other’s stuff and devising elaborate countermeasures to get around the lying you imagine the other person’s doing, the relationship has officially passed the point where all the stress and heartache is worth it. If you’re really determined not to give up just yet, you can stop stewing over what’s behind the phone locks and talk about it (preferably with the help of a professional), but I think I’d just cut my losses.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
While I understand that he probably has some major trust issues now since you did cheat, he seems really possessive and like he is going overboard. I think that it is kinda weird that he hides his phone and things from you but expects you to show him everything…kinda shady. Maybe he isn’t as innocent as he is letting on.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
This isn’t a healthy relationship.
Do not get married.
You cheated and he has taken your phone and locked his. All red flags.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
He does not trust you plain and simple. That may never come back.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
No I don’t think he is going to far…but one question…What do you have so sweet that another female don’t have? Not sure why he took you back because you are doom to do it again.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Yeah i think he is going to far by taking your phone away from you.I also think that he is hiding something from you by the way he is acting about his phone.But i think you already know that he is hiding something from you as you are hiding things from him also.So you say that you and the other guy didn’t go all the way and that you were drunk.Well being drunk isn’t an excuse,and how does he (your bf)know that you didn’t go all the way?He wasn’t there.I think you both should just call it quits.The trust is gone and it is a very hard thing to get back.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
You both have trust issues and neither one of you deserves the other.
If you are to have a long term relationship, then both of you need to sit down and discuss some ground rules for a separation. Both of you need some time apart to figure out who you are and what you want your lives to be. Continuing together will only reinforce feelings of distrust. A time apart will help you both figure it out. He doesn’t know that he needs space, but he does because he is too controlling.
You need to decide what’s more important, a monogamous relationship or platonic male friends? If you are really in love with him, then you won’t need your platonic male friends - and they will find women they love too. That is not to say that platonic friendships are bad, but you can’t handle them at the moment. Getting drunk is no excuse. At some point, you gave yourself permission. I’m not being judgmental, I’m just saying that this relationship with this bf is not working. Sometimes, the only way to find love is to let it go.
Work out a trial separation with some basic ground rules about dating other people. Revisit the situation in a few months.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
it won,t get better first you should have never told him what they don,t know won,t hurt them he will never trust you and after a while you will get tgired of it and leave so cut to the chase and leave now save you self from all the crap that is a head of you
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
Phone Wars
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
When you grow up, this will seem funny!
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
You and him have some real problems and need to fix them or break up.You cheated on him no matter what.But now he’s punishing you and that is not right.You need to set him straight as well as yourself.The trust will never be the same.I would stop my service to the cell company and get a new one,Show him that you don’t need him.Lock whatever you want.Why does he have your friends numbers that is not right.! You made a mistake and he’s never going to live it down.He’s going to far.So he can lock his phone and sleep with it that is not right! Your an adult and he is being possessive of all your actions.You may both love each other but this will never work.He lost trust in you forever.And if he says he’ll let it go Do’t believe him.He wants control of your life.Now are you going to let him have the control.Even if you someday you marry this infidelity you did to him will never leave his heart.So I say go have your fun and live life until you can honestly be true to one.And when you do meet someone else remember don’t answer and tell about your past.That is your past and noone but you need to know of it.that is all private.Men don’t know how to let go so whats in your closet stays in the closet.Enough is enough from him.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
I think you two are over.
Move on. And grow up next time.
September 5th, 2010 at 7:18 am
I think you are forgetting who cheated on whom. It’s you that has to earn his trust again.