I think it's over, but I don't want to let go.?
I’m thinking of filing for a divorce, but my parents paid for the wedding, & we only got married three months ago! I know my parents would (understandably) be pissed off, especially considering I’d have to move back in with them, but I’m at my wit’s end. The only reason I’m staying with my husband at the moment is because I don’t want to have to deal with other people’s attitudes (specifically the people I work with - they have a tendency to gossip) & I really don’t want to have to deal with the emotional abuse my parents would put me through.
It’s not that I hate my husband, but I know I’ve made a mistake. Right up until the wedding, my gut feeling was to turn & run, but I ignored it because everyone told me I just had cold feet. I knew things weren’t right, because I just wasn’t excited about getting married, & the only reasons I went through with it in the end was because I felt like it was too late to say no, & because getting married offered me an escape from my parents.
There are so many problems with my marriage. My attitude is part of it - I really rushed things, because I hoped that marriage would grant me freedom; instead, I left my parents’ overbearing, abusive clutches, & ran straight into the open arms of a man who wants to change me, & won’t accept me as I am. Again, this is mostly my fault - I saw all the signs, & I ignored them because I foolishly thought that I could be happy regardless.
My husband is a Mormon, so he frowns on some of the things that I do to express myself, such as getting pierced. He also hates the fact that I love smoking & the occasional pub-crawl. When I do go out, he tries to tell me what time I should be home at, which drives me up the wall. I’ve tried compromising, but neither of us are ever really happy with the outcome. Sometimes I *do* just want to spend all night getting drunk with my friends, who I hardly ever see now that I’ve moved. It’s not like I wouldn’t tell him where I am beforehand, or that I’d let him know when I was on my way home.
He acts more like a father than a husband, such as giving me a bedtime, & being all pissed off when I won’t go to bed at 10pm. I’m sick of it.
The way I see it, you should make allowances for each other. He gets so angry when I smoke, but I’ve told him that I wouldn’t smoke around him or in the flat, so I don’t see why he gets as upset as he does. A little angry, sure, but he just flies off the handle. (For the record, I don’t smoke all that much - about 5 a day, & I’m always conscious of the smell, so I wash my clothes & shower daily)
I’ve tried to curb my behaviour, but then I just end up smoking & going out behind his back, & I hate being so deceitful.
Then there’s the issue of sex. He cheated on me early on in our relationship (with my best friend, no less) & since I took him back I’ve always wondered if I did the right thing. His infidelity has left me with an inferiority complex (on the rare occasion that we do have sex, I can’t help but feel that I’m totally crap because otherwise why would he have strayed?) & I can’t trust him sexually. His touch leaves me cold, & I have no sexual desire or physical attraction to him.
I also have vulvodynia, so sex is effing painful! I’ve lost count of the many times I’ve sat down & explained about my condition & lack of sex drive (something that’s plagued me since I was about 15-16), but he still pesters me for sex. I was on meds to try & ease the pain, but they disagreed with me, so I stopped taking them. We’ve been put on the waiting list for psychosexual therapy, but I honestly don’t see what good that would do us now, considering I find the idea of having sex with him about as appealing as stuffing a piece of rancid, maggot-ridden, oozing steak up my snatch.
Finally, there’s the issue of letting go. I’m so scared of being alone, & my husband was always there for me when things got really shitty. He stood by me through the worst of my depression, even took time off work to take me to the hospital twice, when I felt like I was going to kill myself & couldn’t be left alone. I’m scared of starting my life over, but deep down I know that it’s the best option.
I don’t see any future to our marriage, & I want out in as pain-free a way as possible, for everyone involved. I know divorce is awful for at least one side of the marriage, but I’m obviously not the sort of wife he needs & deserves, & I think it’s pretty obvious that I need to do some growing up.
So yeah… I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice on getting a divorce in the UK? Or should I try one last time & attend marriage counselling? Left to my own devices, things will probably continue the way they are until he catches me out (& possibly divorces me), or I’ll end up divorcing him many years down the line, when there are kids in the picture & I ruin their lives, too.
I have a job that I *love*, it just doesn’t provide enough hours, but the pay & prospects are good, so I don’t want to leave it.
No, I don’t really want to fix it, but I know he’ll want to try counselling, & it’ll sit better with my parents if it looks like I’ve actually made an attempt to save things.
As for moving in with friends… I don’t have any who live locally. Well, not ones I would move in with.
And yes, how I wish I could go back a year & tell my parents & husband how I really feel, instead of forcing smiles & lying through my teeth. I feel awful for the pain I’m going to cause my husband, but I really don’t think we’re suited to each other. He needs a lovely Molly Mormon wife, & I just can’t play the part. It’s horrible, because he’s taken so much shit from me in the past, & this is how I’m repaying him.
Thank you to everyone who’s answered so far. Thank you for not being judgemental. I’ll talk to him the next time I’m home.
Just to clarify a little more…
- I’ve been on birth control (Implanon) for several years, as I don’t want kids.
- My parents didn’t get into debt over the wedding, but it meant that they weren’t able to go on their annual two-week holiday. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but my dad works hard all year round for those two weeks, & it really means a lot to him.
- I don’t ‘run the streets’. I’m 21, & I enjoy going to a friend’s, maybe drinking, & just sitting, talking about anything & everything until the sun rises. Sometimes I do like to go out, & we’ll go to a pub or a bar. Also, I like smoking. Or at least knowing that I have the freedom to choose to smoke, without the other half thinking that it’s the end of the world. Compared to some of my previous coping mechanisms, smoking is the lesser of the evils.
But yeah, I still have a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully once this mess is sorted out, I can get on with being 21 & deciding what I want from life.
I don’t go out that often… Maybe once every couple of weeks? And I work hard, so I feel that I’m entitled to letting my hair down. My drinking has never caused any problems, as such - he just disapproves on account of his own moral beliefs.
Also, I’m *not* interested in seeing the missionaries, or getting involved in his church whatsoever. My husband & his family are well aware of this. Therefore, taking discussions or praying are absolute no-no’s for me.
Anyway, I spoke to him today. He wants to try counselling, so I’m leaving it up to him to find someone & get us booked in. I was upfront with him & told him that I didn’t see any point & that we should just move on, but he wants one last chance.
As for telling my parents… I’m thinking that I’ll meet with them somewhere public, so that there’s less of a chance that things will turn violent.
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Tags: amp, attitude, attitudes, clutches, cold feet, emotional abuse, filing for a divorce, freedom, getting drunk, gossip, gut feeling, marriage, mistake, mormon, parents, pub crawl, signs, tendency, three months, wit
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
its a pityyou didn’t come to these conslusions before you got married. however, rather realise now than later. you can get an annulment. secondly, you can get a job. thirdly, you can rent a room and not go home to mom & dad. its time to grow up in many ways. forth- do NOT have a kid until you know youre ready for it. fifth - i know the lds community - you will never change him, but he will always try to change you - accept it or leave now.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Marriage counseling adn counseling for you. You can make it work. It’s all about compromise. You signed the paper.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Oh wow, there’s so many issues going on here that I don’t know where to start. The good thing is that you realize all of what is going wrong & are willing to admit that you are partially at fault for some of this. Many people aren’t willing to own up to stuff like that, so you are to be applauded for that. It shows maturity.
The bottom line is that you should divorce him for both of your sakes. You obviously don’t want to be in this relationship & it’s also very obvious that he’s getting fed up with the way things are now. I really don’t think that therapy has a good chance of fixing this relationship because there’s so much that needs to be fixed & quite frankly, I don’t think that either of you (especially you) really wants to fix it. The reasons you’ve given for staying are mostly "I don’t want anyone to talk **** about me" & "I don’t want to be alone". Those are not good reasons.
Seriously honey, leave him. There’s no fixing this relationship.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Things will only get worse. Forget what others will say. Get a divorce now before you have a baby and get stuck. He is not going to get better.
Go back home and save up money to find an apartment based on your income. But get out now before it is to late.
Be careful how you leave. Talk to your mom about what is going on.
Find a real friend that is willing to be a roommate. Stop worrying about the gossip and attitude of others. Your safety and happiness is first.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
First, I admire your maturity. It is not easy to be so honest nor is it easy to accept blame for mistakes.
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Be honest with him and tell him that you do not feel that the marriage is going to work. You can ask for government assistance and perhaps get council housing to avoid moving back in with your parents. Yes, your parents are going to be upset but they would be more upset if you came back home in 5 years dragging a couple children along.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Yeah… I suggest you to go for marriage counselling. It’s normal to see a hell lot of differences in the first few months of marriage. (though I definitely disagree of him cheating on you.)
However, from what you said of him telling you to go to bed by 10pm and stuffs like that. I can see that he cares. He loves you. And it’s kind of a turn off to some men to have women who smokes. Smoking is also bad for health. No husband would want their wife to go to a pub and get drunk (even if it’s with friends) It’s not a nice thing to do when you are a married woman. I know people nowadays will stand up for their freedom and individual rights and shit like that. But try to look at your husband’s point of view.
He cares. He cares about your well-being, He wants to take care of you just that perhaps, he doesn’t know the right way to.
As for sex issues, find some time to explain and talk to him. In your case, I can see that both of you clearly has communication problem. voice out your unhappiness right from the start. If you continue to bottle it up, this is what happens. You will sink into depression and that’s not what we are hoping for. Clear up you differences and talk things out calmly. If you keep it inside you, you will eventually erupt and then things will get ugly, really ugly.
All the best. God bless!
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Sit your parents down and explain he cheated on you. You are miserable and you know they spent a fortune on the wedding. But you need to come home and file for a divorce. Do it.
Don’t be too overly concerned with co-workers you need to let their gossip just roll off your back. You need to really toughen up in life. Quit trying to make everyone happy. If you continue YOU will never be happy. Don’t go to work and yak and tell all your personal business and how you feel. It that to yourself.
Once you decide to leave do it on a day he isn’t around and get EVERYTHING that’s yours take it with you. Even if you have to rent a small uhaul or a friends pick up. Just so you don’t have to go back and fight over stuff with him.
Quit running the streets to go out and drink. Grow up. I hate smoking but that’s your problem to deal with. To me kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray.
Make some changes and SHOW your parents your trying to change your life in the right direction!!! And let them know that big wedding is it. The next time you "fall in love" and want to marry someone you will elope! Don’t put them in debt again.
Also whoever you end up dating in the future let that man know alot of what you described here. Go see a doctor about the condition you have with the painful sex. Do that now in your life don’t wait until some man is "into" you so to speak and now you can’t have sex and it becomes a problem in the relationship. Do something now. Get yourself on some birth control too.
Start now making some good positive changes in yourself.
As for me….it’s 3:00 am. and I’m now tired and going to bed. Good luck to you
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
Your guy is Mormon in name only. His guilt at living an immoral life must be crushing. To marry someone who likes to go out on all-night benders, he must have severe self esteen issues. I am struggling to see what foundation your marriage has. Sex is the weakest foundation, yet you don’t even seem to have that. The only hope I see of this working out, is if you both take the missionary discussions. His trying to change you will never work… you need to change him, and I mean for the better. Pick up the torch and investigate his religion. Mormonism has changed millions of lives for the better. Mormonism is about responsibility and commitment, truth and honor, and living up to our best potential in the sight of God. It teaches us how to love and be loved. I’ve never seen a church with greater power to improve one’s life.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
I admire your honesty here. Despite the fact that you say you have some growing up to do, I think this is a very mature and honest summary you’ve given. Being alone isn’t as bad as being stuck in a bad relationship. The change you experience in becoming single is the scariest part of the process. Once you’ve found your feet on your own you’ll wonder why you ever thought it was scary. And you’ll discover a whole new person inside you that you didn’t know existed because she was hiding while you tried to deal with all the stuff you’re dealing with right now. Yes your parents are going to be annoyed. Although from what you say about them being controlling I’m guessing you’ve had a bit of practice at having them annoyed with you. You only get one life and you know your marriage was a mistake. You’re young and intelligent. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision to give yourself the wonderful future you deserve.
March 17th, 2011 at 2:32 am
My mom went through a similar experience with my Dad. She felt, on the way to the ceremony, that this was wrong, but she already had everything planned, people were already there, etc… so she went on with it. She spent 16 miserable years with him because of that one descision. Get out before there are kids.