How should I approach this marital issue?
"I love my wife of 17 years very much. She has at least 100 excellent qualities as a wife. She is highly intelligent and a very attractive person. My concern arises from the fact that she works with (married) male colleagues on a very close basis, and I would think that she would go overboard to make it clear to me that proper interpersonal boundaries were being kept. Last year she mentioned to me that she signs greeting cards to two of them, P. and D., with the closing, "Love." She said that was because she did "love" them the way she loved her best girlfriend. That was only partially reassurring. I have never seen the cards exchanged at holidays between these two men and my wife. Only once has she ever shown me the gifts they exchange on these occasions. Three days ago we discussed this and I asked her to let us, as a happily married couple, prepare and sign the birthday and Christmas greeting cards to these men together, with both of our names and with a suitable closing. She agreed to this. Today was P.’s birthday. As I was leaving for work she said that she had forgotten to prepare a card for us both to sign, but she would take care of it today and sign both of our names, then give it to P. Six weeks ago she removed the only picture of me that she had on her desk at work. Pictures of everyone from her family of origin remain. She said she did not like the picture because I looked "plump" and I was wearing my physician’s white coat. A week ago I gave her a framed recent headshot of me, signed " with all my love," to put on her desk. She kept this in the car for a week under a pillow and yesterday brought it back into the house. She says she wants a smaller picture and a better frame. I admit that I am particularly sensitive to the appearance of infidelity, or "merely" emotional infidelity, as my first wife was flamingly unfaithful. So I do not want to react prematurely or to an excess. Do I have any reason to be alarmed? How should I approach this?… Jack"
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Tags: 17 years, appearance, attractive person, christmas, christmas greeting cards, desk, emotional infidelity, family of origin, first wife, girlfriend, headshot, holidays, interpersonal boundaries, love quot, male colleagues, married couple, occasions, signs, six weeks, two men
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
you’re married to a 17 year old?
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I would definitely be suspicious. Her excuses about the picture (the frame needs to be smaller, saying you look fat, etc) are ludicrous. I’m sorry but there is clearly something going on if she wants to hide all signs that she’s married (even though I’m sure her colleagues know she is.) If she isn’t already cheating she’s at least having an emotional affair.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
All I can say is … talk to her. You should know her better and tell whether she lies or not, if what she says is plausible in the context of your relationship. Don’t think you can ask someone to judge this online.
Speaking for myself, I values these little things a lot and though I wouldn’t be alarmed or scared of infidelity, I would definitely be seriously bothered if a male friend of my girl would send "love" in cards( greetings, sms, email, whatever), mostly because we always use this concept of love with care and reverence and always in the context of us. I don’t use ‘love’ towards anyone else (including family) and neither does she.
I would remove her image from the places where I keep it regardless of situation … and neither would she. Though it happened a few times, I just talked to her and I was reassured, it always helps to talk in order to dispel the possible bad meaning of a gesture (like I said, I don’t suspect her, but I do value the details a lot).
It’s ok to feel bothered by these things, but in the end, if you love her … then you should always at least offer the benefit of a serious doubt and a chance to explain.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Whoa thats a hard 1. Follow ur 1st mind. N go with that. Try not 2 make 2 much if. Cuz whn u look 4 something u find it. N u dnt need 2 look 4 that unless u really feel as if its that bad.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Wow, I’m sorry, Jack, but you would drive me crazy. I occasionally spend the weekend with a single male friend of mine and my husband smiles and says, "Have a nice time." I’d say my husband might have a reason to be suspicious, if he were the suspicious type, but you are getting all worked up because your wife signs cards with "Love." AND you actually made a big deal out of it with her. Pull yourself together, man.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
This is a very sensative situation. I would approach with caution. I would confront with caution but not to where she would be on the defence. Since your first wife cheated on you, you are very aware of the signs. I would let your wife know that if she was to ever cheat, it would be over and no second chances. She may not be cheating physically but may be interested or tempted to cheat. Since she must be aware of the infidelity of your first wife, I would tell her very plain what you are seeing and how it is affecting you. A wife worthy of you will steer clear away of all perception of cheating or being involved. A wife worthy will have your pic/name plastered all over her work area and even special things you’ve given her. I hope the best for you.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I would say that your wife needs to be more diligent in putting up boundaries between herself and her co-workers. It is very hard for women to do this without being intentional about it.
You may consider having these two men and their wives over for dinner one evening and see how they all interact together, and it will give the wives of these men a chance to do the same. Also, if your wife forgets about cards again, ask her not to give one until you have a chance to sign it yourself.
In the meantime, try to get away for a short vacation with your wife and sweep her off her feet again. After years of marriage, some husbands tend to neglect the small things that women value and some wives see that as neglect…although it’s not.
Also, consider watching the movie "Fireproof" together and reading the book The Five Love Languages.
Best wishes.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Brother, first you need to know what kind of men does she walk with, 2 is your wife born again? i mean not just been born again but true one in the spirit, then you know what she’s up to.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
If you have a bad feeling about this, follow your instinct. Even if she is not having an affair, whether it be physical or emotional, her behavior is inappropriate and needs some explaining. Talk to your wife. After being married 17 years, I’m sure you will be able to get to the bottom of this! Good Luck!!
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
hun, I don’t like my hubby of 2 years very much right now and I don’t want a pic of him… but I’d never be unfaithful. Just because that silly love that has a pic in a locket or in a locker in high school isn’t there, it doesn’t mean there isn’t still love. I promise. Good luck.
February 12th, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I would be very suspicious. From someone that just experienced his wife of 10 years in a 1 year affair, all the writings seem to be on the wall. I think some of the responses you have gotten to your question seem to be very naive and very selfish. You should be your wife’s first priority above ALL friends. It sounds as though she is your first priority because you tolerate very lame excuses. I too heard about being over weight, etc. My wife and I are working through our issue with 2 small children, but don’t sell yourself short. You obviously have your instincts telling you something is wrong and I would go with those instincts.
This isn’t about being jealous, this is about the relationship being fair and you being able to trust in your wife. When she tells other men that she loves them in a card, to me that crosses the boundaries. To not be willing to have any picture of you, fat, bald, dumb, etc. That tells me that she really doesn’t care about who you are. You are who you are and there is no reason for her to "be ashamed" of who you are. She sounds like she has some narcissistic qualities and is very selfish.
This topic is near and dear to my heart and there is absolutely no worse pain in the world, as you already know, then not being able to trust your life partner.
I would confront her and let her know that you feel uncomfortable with the way this is progressing. If she does not want you and only you anymore, then let her tell you that, but don’t let her hurt you. If you are her first priority and if this is truly a misunderstanding, then she will take your feeling into consideration. Some things like telling other grown men in a card that she loves them should be a common sense no no. We aren’t in grade school anymore, we are grown up and our relationship needs the caring, nurturing, love and support that it deserves.
Something has really gone crazy when societies expectation is that a husband and a wife should be less than a first priority to each other.
You will probably get a response like if you love me then this should not bother you. Basic common sense says you don’t do these kinds of things if it hurts your first priority.
Best wishes to you!! Feel free to chat with me anytime you wish!!