How do I respond to my little girl about divorce?
My soon to be exwife filed for divorce. There was no substance/physical abuse or infidelity. She just felt that she wasn’t "in love" with me anymore. Like me, my 8 year old daughter is confused. Lately, she has asked me if I still love mommy. I say "yes." I feel that the big question is coming from her. "Why are you and mommy divorcing?" I thought about saying that it is mommy’s decision, but then I thought that I don’t want my daughter to be resentful to her mother. Yes, I am angry. This divorce decision came out of the blue. One argument on one night made her decision. I didn’t think that such drastic measures by her were going to be taken. Now, I’m suffering and most of all, my little girl has shown signs of suffering too. I sit and contemplate how one person can destroy a family of four (we also have a son who is 5 years old - but he appears too young to fully understand the situation). I’m so concerned with my girl. Do I tell her that its mommy who wants it - or will time bring that out? Also, by me and my wife sitting down and explaining the divorce to our daughter, in my opinion, would be no good because, I can not find it in myself to accept the responsibilty of the decision when it is all her that wants it. I would be lying to my daughter and at the same time helping my wife with the pain that she is causing.
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Tags: divorce, drastic measures, infidelity, little girl, love quot, mommy, out of the blue, physical abuse, responsibilty, signs, suffering
March 21st, 2011 at 2:31 am
my parents arent together, and my step dad and mom dont get along. Maybe you should sit ur daughter down with u and her mom and explain the situation, maybe lying to her is the best for now. Just tell her that u two are just taking a break from eachother and that things are gonna be okay. Tell her she is still very important to both of you and ask her how she feels about it.
March 21st, 2011 at 2:31 am
You need to talk first with your wife in how you two will approach this with your daughter now and your son later…he will eventually have questions, believe you me! I would think it best to approach without laying blame anywhere or on anyone. Something to the tune of "sometimes people just can’t be together". There are tons of websites, books, and the like out there, as unfortunately divorce is just a statistic anymore, but here is a link to a google search for it…
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&q=talking+to+children+about+divorce&aq=1&oq=talking+to+chil&fp=Li-R6mbKWrc
Good luck to you and your family!
March 21st, 2011 at 2:31 am
Speaking from experience, though it is VERY difficult not to apportion blame, you shouldn’t tell your little girl that it is her mother that wanted the split. Just explain that even though you still love her mummy, you aren’t able to live together anymore. Try and use an example like if she fell out with a friend at school and they no longer speak and try to show her how it is similar to your situation. Continue to show your love for her and in time, probably in lots of years to come (!) she will understand that it wasn’t your decision to part. It would only confuse her right now. Let her discover the truth when she is better able to understand.
Children are resilient - my boys were 2 and 5 when my first hubby and I divorced, but they are now happy, stable young men (14 and 16).
Try to make your children feel special by telling them that they are lucky to have two homes, two bedrooms, etc., that other children aren’t that lucky. Try not to make the mistake of ‘buying’ your children, i.e., don’t buy them expensive pressies in the hope they will like you better, as when you are unable to afford them, they will feel terribly let down. Love and time are the best things you can give them at the moment. Silly I know, but it does help ease the confusion for them and they will eventually accept and settle into a new routine.
Good luck hun!
March 21st, 2011 at 2:31 am
You don’t need to pull the kids against either spouse. Regardless of how it happened, it happened and that is not the kids fault! Just tell her straight up that you are getting a divorce and leave it at that…when she is older she can ask more questions! You might try and figure out why this happened in the first place! It may not be too late, but you need to stop playing the victim and figure out what is wrong! Divorce is terrible for kids, and even if you have to struggle with your wife for the next thirteen years, it is better for them to have a mom and dad in one house! This isn’t just about you two any more…and too many people fail to realize that!
March 21st, 2011 at 2:31 am
shes eight years old and they understand alot more than we give them credit for you just need to explain to her that over time people change and so does ones feelings,and that it is no longer possible for the both of you to live together due to differences you have and yes you still love her mom but at this time it is best that you separate so you can each have your own space and that everything will be fine.and that you love her.this is all she needs to know everything else shell find out later on when the time comes but will at least not be you who she resents,some things are best left unsaid in a situation such as this.I know its hard but it will work and your daughter will deal with this better than you know. Sorry and good luck hope you find happiness.