how can I regain my trust and have a healthy happy marriage?
My wife and I are high school sweethearts. Long story short, she has been unfaithful several times in many different ways since we were dating. first she cheated on me with her ex, then she left me for another guy, then, shortly after we got back together after a little over a year, she started talking to the guy she left me for about how she misses him and loves him still, well, these 2 guys are far behind us and I am quite sure of that, however, I had suspicions about her and a co-worker of hers that she assured me was just a friend for months, well, after several signs of infidelity I decided to leave her, 3 days later she had a new boyfriend, which I didn’t care about because I know she has dependency issues, and she cant bring herself to be alone for any small period of time, ive known that about her since the get go, but 4 months after I left her, we decided to work things out yet again, of course, im having a hard time trusting her still, I don’t think anything is going on, but she did cheat on her b/f while we were split up with the guy she works with, she has agreed to stop talking to him, and I have stopped talking to all those I had romantic engagements with during my life, we both have, but I sometimes feel like no matter how good she is to me now, I will never be able to trust her again, and I cant be in a relationship like that. Im not saying I have been perfect, I used to have a porn addiction, I once propositioned another girl, not because I wanted her, but because I felt betrayed by her and wanted her to feel the pain she had put me through time and time again, ive also had some issues showing her that I love her, because I was depressed about the feelings I was having concerning her and any other guy she even glanced at. I love my wife, and I believe her when she says that it wont happen again, but if I cant somehow learn to trust her again, im only going to push her away with my suspicions. Sometimes I feel like a sucker for trying to work things out, but shes my wife, I married her because I love her and still do. we are only 21, we have been married for 2 years, but we have almost been divorced several times in those 2 years. We are a perfect match for each other, we both have the same interests and dreams, we both LOVE animals and want to work with them for a living, shes a groomer, and im a biology student. We have over 30 pets and run a reptile rescue, and no one else but her and I are going to do that with each other. I don’t want to be told I should leave her, at one point I had considered really cheating on her, to show her just how hard it is to get over something that serious, because she sometimes gets mad at me for being suspicious. Its true she spends ALL her time outside of work with me, and she still works with the guy, but I believe nothing is going on most of the time, but just small misunderstandings will set me off into believing delusions that she is somehow still fooling around on me.I need this to stop before I lose my mind, or my wife. I don’t have the money for medication right now, though that is on the to-do list, since I have bad spouts of depression when thoughts of her infidelities wont leave my mind. I just want to be able to trust her, since she is making an honest effort to show me that she regrets her mistakes, and is willing to do anything to prove that she will only be with me from now on. I know she knows how hard it is on me, and I know how hard it is for her to keep trying to show me she can be trusted when I repeatedly suspect and/or accuse her of being unfaithful. I have forgiven a lot, everything she has done, I have forgiven, and vice versa, even tho her discrepancies were far more serious and numerous…I guess what im trying to say is….is there ANY couples who have been through this amount of betrayal and still managed to hold things together. It feels like an impossibility for us to end up even remotely happy and healthy on a consistent basis. We are happy for the most part, but the fights over things I make up in my head have got to go, I just cant stop and I don’t know what to do!!!!
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Tags: 4 months, co worker, dependency issues, feelings, hard time, high school sweethearts, many different ways, new boyfriend, period of time, porn addiction, relationship, romantic engagements, several times, signs of infidelity, sucker, suspicions
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
i don’t know about her feeling but she probably love you or at least has feelings about you because she is with you.. but SHE DOES NT RESPECT YOU. and she had many chances to fix that and ti try ti be ok with you, but as far as i can understand, she doesn’t. i see that its very difficult to leave her because you love her, she is ur first real love etc…first of all i think that its not a good idea to cheat her, just for revenge and just to know how it feels to be unfaithful. keep in mind that u r different persons and u r not supposed to be like her and do the same mistakes like her in order to be in your situation and in ur position. keep yourself just like u are, u don’t tell many things about you but as i can see you have some positive characteristics that are difficult to find nowadays. YOU ARE NOT A CHEATER AND U R NOT A LIAR-THAT MEANS THAT U R AN HONEST PERSON. NEVER CHANGE ABOUT ANYONE.she may doesn’t know how much it hurts when someone cheats on you-especially if she was never cheated by someone but i m sure that she knows exactly what she is doing and how bad is to always cheat your husband thats why she was trying to keep it secret etc.. but i think that u did something wrong here: you knew how she was-cheating etc and u married her. i dont tell u that u had to split up with her etc but if you already knew that u had to wait for a couple of years in order to see how everything was going to be and if something was gonna change. you could love her and stay with her -whatever but why getting marry her? after all you are young enough -you have all your life to live.. dont get blind of love-love is the most important thing in the world but KEEP UR MIND ALERT-SO I HOPE TO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER THESE YEARS AND THEN TO START WONDERING HOW YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BECAUSE SHE IS A CHEATER. i think that if u really love her give your marriage a chance, tell her that this is her last chance and if anything happens u r going to leave forever. be a little bit suspicious about her and if she keeps cheating on you-then leave her-because u r going to be sad and unhappy forever and later ur children will be in a depressed family. you can also tell her to go (both of you )to a counselor-psychologist to ask for help. i wish you all the best
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
You may have to deal with or move on to another relationship.
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
I know how you feel, i really do. I have been there. once a partner betrays you its hard to regain trust. I would sit down and talk to your partner about this and if there isn’t any hope of changing i would leave the relationship and move on.
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
dont have children first off. you (both) need to get saved… turn your life over to Jesus, let the Holy Spirit reveal the truth to you … you can be given a new heart, a new spirit once you receive Jesus… life is tough with or without Jesus but without Him you have NO hope and No good eternal future. The bible says "God did not give us a spirit (a born again human spirit like Jesus’ spirit He received when He was raised from the spiritually dead) of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind… this is your only hope. http://www.daveroberson.org http://www.garycarpenter.org
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Dude, she’s a serial cheater and she’s not going to change. It takes more than love to maintain a relationship. It also takes trust, respect and selflessness. You don’t trust her (nor would I), she doesn’t respect you and she damn sure isn’t selfless. You guys are done. Find someone who understands what "forsaking all others" means.
June 16th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Forgive her for all the wrong she has done. Tell her you forgive her for everything and you are wiping the slate clean. See, what she did will bother her if she knows you forgive her 100%.