HELP IM LOOSING IT……..My husband has another child?
I have, what I thought I had was a wonderful loving husband and family. I have been married for 11 years, just found out this last weekend that my husband had an affair about 8 years ago that lasted for about 3 or 4 years and that there was a child that was produced out of this relationship. They way I found out we are having a house built, my sister and I are cleaning out our current attic to have a g-sale, I found this metal box that I had never seen before. We managed to open it up and found pictures of a child and a strange woman and my husband. AT the zoo, in Paris France, in Chicago, EVERYWHERE….bunches and bunches of pictures…the birth of the baby and he was there right by her, there was a letter in there that came from the States attys office for a junction for payment of child support.
Clue: HE has been acting rather strange for the last year and we have had some horrible fights that I for some reason really didnt even understand why we were even fighting… bare with me, I am torn apart. I just dont think I can go on.
All week we have fought, and screamed, and I hit him and he would just sit there and say he was sorry and he cant live with out me and our children, he said yes it was wrong and it was along time ago and he seen what he had that is why he stayed. But for me its just as good as if it was happening right now. The lady has since married and my husband gave up his parental rights. I kicked him out after we fought all week day and night and I dont want him around me, nothing, I will never love him ever again, I want him gone.
What should I do?Please dont be mean to me and tell me I am stupid, that I should have seen the signs, but now it makes since, he too has been struggling with giving his child away and didnt want to. For he is a great father to our children. That is why he was so upset this last year, she demanded that he give up his rights or she was coming to me with the proof of infidelity before she married. With that said he did just that, he gave up his rights, I now know that she begged him for the last 6 or so years to leave me so that they could be a family, he wouldnt so now she finally got married but she has threatened him with this "crime" of cheating in order to lure him and he didnt want to give up his child. I am in the middle of a stupid stupid situation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!
LIKE TO ADD: My sister is using my yahoo Q&A for all that wonders if this is some weird question. She doesn’t have yahoo so I told her to get on my Yahoo Q&A and get some out side sources opinion. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks for all your answers they have really been an eye opener for her. Everyone of you have various views on this matter and it has ripped all of us apart. So again I want to thank each and every one of you for your word of confidence. I wish I could pick all of you for a best answer…So if you don’t mind, I am going to let the answers vote…thanks again. The Hope family
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Tags: 11 years, 8 years, bunches, child support, clue, infidelity, loving husband, metal box, parental rights, paris france, proof, relationship, signs, strange woman, zoo
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Leave him.
I would.
He hid this from you for soo long.
Get checked for stds
Good luck
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Wow, this is tough, I am so sorry. You are not acting stupid. I would probably flip too. Like you said, he has dealt with it for a while, but it is all new to you and it seems like he is letting you go through the emotions you are experiencing. As hard as this is, it seems that he does love you and wants to be with you. If you can find it in you to work it out with him then do it. Go to counseling, etc. Whatever you do, try to protect your kids from hearing it all.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
There are no words to describe how painful it is.
You just have to figure out what you want to do. Do you still want to work things out or do you want a divorce? Ultimately, adultery are grounds for a divorce. The choice is yours.
This is the time to pray and ask God to guide you. HE will hear your prayers and comfort you. You just have to have faith and believe in Him.
I will also say a prayer for you.
-Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
When you go for the big jackpot you could end up losing it all. That’s what your husband needs to learn. The hard way. Leave him and get as much as you can take. Kick him on the way out. Spit on him. He deserves no less.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Bitterness is the poison WE swallow hoping our enemy will die.
Cry, rage, beat your breast……
…….then forgive your husband.
Get counseling, expect it to take years to get beyond, but realize you have a lot to build on.
To err is human, to forgive divine.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
That is horrible. I’m surprised you have any strength left. That would kill me and just by hearing your post, I feel drained. I hope you make the right decision for you and your family - whatever that is.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Take time by yourself to figure out what to do, Do not throw away what you have, life is never perfect… good luck .
hope all goes well….
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
one word DIVORCE!
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
First your husband had another child, now he gave it up completely. He chose to stay with you for 6 years past the time of the affair, it is possible he learned his lesson. If you really do not love him, move on. If you have any love left, have a long talk and begin with no more lies.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
oh my gosh he is such a jerk! you are an amazing woman and deserve so much better. I’m so sorry that you fell in love with a jerk off one time. But thats in the past. You don’t love him anymore. I know you guys have kids together but the kids can see him over the weekend if they really want to. Why don’t you sign those papers and leave him…You can find your true love the one person that will love you forever and will treat you so much better. The fact that he did not tell you about this is horrible and the worst part is that HE WAS WITH YOU WHEN HE HAD A BABY FROM THE OTHER WOMAN!!!
Leave him and have respect for yourself and a man will find you and will treat you with so much love, passion, and respect. Don’t worry about not finding anyone right for you.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
first, let me say that I feel your pain, and you are not stupid, second, he must really feel horrible now 1. because he gave up his child which he obviously loves, so you wouldn’t find out and 2. you found out anyway, so he lost his child for nothing. I am not trying to be mean or on either side here. He gave up ALOT to be with you and to not ruin what u 2 had. and you as a mother kno how much you love your children. now imagine you felt you had no option but to give one up. It sucks on both sides of this coin for sure! He should have came to you in the first place, but he didn’t. there is nothing you can do to change this unfortunatley. Now imagine a year ago, It probably seemed way to late to come to you with this, so he of course had to keep living this part of his life without you and probably did somthing that he wouldn’t have felt he had to do if he had told you in the first place. he has now made a decision that he can not reverse.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
I read your other questions. Twice you are female, once you are male. You say this situation here and two completely other ones before. What is going on?
Writing a book?
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Similar situation with me. We are divorced.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Wow I cant gripe At all about mine,I am a 23 yr old male, an I have not been married that long, But to go threw WOW. I would say that he really does love you an wants to be with you an if he didnt than he would have left you then agina he might have stayed in tha marrige b/c she didnt want him anymore an he had no way of turning around so he hid tha fact that he was with her an had a child so he could still have a family an not loose tha one he has rather than loosen you an his kids an her at tha same time, b/c then he would have to start all over agina an deal with tha fact that he himself messed things up!!! I wish you an him tha best An hope everything smooths out !!!
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
You need some MAJOR time to get through this. Your head must be spinning a million miles an hour. All I can say is that you should talk to him if you want & if you don’t want to then DON’T. It’s all about you right now & he should know that. He needs to be available as a verbal punching bag if that’s what you need. If he wants your marriage to survive he’ll be willing to do anything right now.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
your not being stupid you have been completely betrayed. This is a hard blow to recover from.We can chat about recovering from the devastating marriage blows. It would have been easier I think if you had of found out from him. He gave up his child and you found out anyway. It is up to him if he will try to become apart of the childs life. But thats deep. Having two familes and taking the one on vacation several times. He had a lot of time to think about this and confess to you or man up and..he didn’t.He made a mistake but it didnt seem too much like a mistake until she demanded more out of the relationship for her and their son, and put some stiff demands on him. You are wifey, you are #1 you should understand that, and that he kep it from you ever finding out was so that he wouldnt hurt you or the family you have together. I WOULD hope that this is the case. But the fact is he held onto a lie for that long this is crazy. Its hard to trust a jekyl and mr hyde this way. And you never know he may have been upset about her getting married or you noticing that so much money was missing if he had to pay child support. It worked out for him too giving up the paternal rights. It was probably hard because he became attached to the child and instead of talking with you about it he fought with you, punishing you for the past year. Then again they both had unprotected sex chose to keep the baby and she chose to accept 2nd place for her and their son for years. She probably did hope that he would leave you and once she figured out he wouldnt she decided she wanted to find her own husband. I would talk with her and if ever face to face, kick her azz. there is no way he kept that a secret that long without help from her.
I just dont know about these selfish azzholes anymore.(men) I can rave about the type of things I have been thru in my marriage.He is on his way out. You sound like a beautiful woman with a lovely demeanor and I hope for the best. I suggest he stays out, you pick up the pieces and try to rebuild your life, seek the help of a third party professional and do your best. Let him back in to your life at your terms. Take the kids to his parents place so that he can pick them up from there. Dont see him until you can clear your head, and clear it well. Dont let anyone distract you…family friends. Do your best moma, good l
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Of course you feel like you may not be able to "go on", I understand. This is probably the most trajic event you’ve been through, the trust has been shattered into a "million pieces". I understand. I know it does not seem like it right now but you will feel BETTER!, it takes time and support of family and friends.
This is your "hour of sorrow", don’t think that a that anger is only anger, it’s your very deep hurt feelings that are overflowing, your very heart is broken. But know this Dear Lady…All hope is not lost…there remains a flicker of light, however small, a fragile flame stirring in the "winds" of truth, remember one thing, this man is your husband and the Father of your children. Give yourself the opportunity to make wise decisions that are based on careful thought and planning.
You do not have to decide anything tonight, nor tommarrow, you have some time..time to grieve, this is a very dark night for your soul and you must know that you are not alone in your pain. and the rage. I too experienced these things becuase of my hubands long term Adultery. It is normal on your part.
WHY SHOULD YOUR CHILDREN BE "FATHERLESS’ BECAUSE OF SOME "WHORE"??? HE NEVER LEFT YOU, HE NEVER LEFT THE CHILDREN. I’m not saying you should stay with him…just don’t try and decide right now.
Remember your not alone in this, I understand how you may feel like your "losing your mind" and all the horrible emotions you may be experiencing…you must make yourself to take deep breaths…in and out…you must stay healthy and sane for your children.
Just try little one! Remember, "All things are possible to him/her who believes", ask GOD to lead you and guide you, it is possible for a cheater to change….I know you don’t want to hear this right now but your husband is in a lot of "pain" also, he may be feeling "shame" and "remorse" and depression. I don’t feel sorry for him but on the other hand just keep it in mind.
I’m sorry for your situation, keep your head up and don’t be afraid to cry, cry and call your sister and talk about it for hours and hours, whatever you need to do to "cope" with the stress and shock of it.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
WOW! I’m at work right now and my partner says that he would tell you this: Your husband wasn’t happy with the life you two shared , so he started an entirely different one in secret, he had two seperate lives basically. He would tell you to tell your husband , "Stay the hell away from me, and I’ll see you in court."
I will tell you this: If you are in love with your husband, you two are going to need to go to marriage counseling to determine if your marriage ia even salvageable and working on. Because…You have to TRULY forgive him for what he has done, and to do this you have to love someone unconditionally…and this is usually not an emotion that humans posess. I thought my situation was bad.WOW! I really hope and will pray for you because you need it. Hell I wish I could just have coffee with you because you seem like you need my company.Misery loves company, that’s what they say. If you need to you can e-mail me I’m here for you sweetie.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
First of all hun, you are not stupid. I am so sorry, this has to be so very hard for you. I can’t imagine going through this.. I will be praying for you and your marriage.
In my opinion, i think after time, you need to stay in your marriage and work it out. You will not be any happier divorced. nothing will fill that void. it takes a strong woman to forgive and let go ( notice i didn’t say forget) that is impossible for us humans and only possible for God. Your husband does love you. He made a huge mistake and has been paying for it in soooo many ways already for the past six years or more. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I am a Christian and I have been through a really rough marriage. Long story, Anyway we seperated for a year. I hated this man, with every cell in my body i hated his guts. i was angry, spiteful and felt like i wanted to torture him. God changed my heart. I realized that I too have made sooo many mistakes and sins too. Everyday i sin and hurt God. He made the ultimate sacrafice sending his Son to die for me. Who am I? God forgives us and FORGETS!!! He wipes the slate clean and we Don’t deserve it. I am in love with my husband more today then i ever have been and during our time of seperation i was so lonely and depressed. And that lead to more mistakes!!!
Anyway, i know it won’t be easy, but you can learn to forgive him and let go like God does for you. I think that counseling should definately be an option to getting through this. But i think that you should only seek Godly Counsel. You can’t get through this on your own or with just eachother. It’s like putting a "band-aid" on a deep on wound. ( A band-aid will do nothing for an open wound. all it does is cover up the trauma and pain. You need to take care of this open wound, stitch up and let it heal. So then there won’t be any scars in the future.
Your marriage can be a great testimony to all the other marriages out there suffering. This is a huge issue. But nothing it too huge for God. With all God all things are possible. (phillipians 4:13)
You can do this hun. Stay together. Your kids need you and their father together. it will destroy their innocent and precious souls to see you guys apart. they dont deserve the punishment. God hates divorce and one reason he does, is because it breaks childrens hearts. they are the ones scarred for life. Nothing good comes from divorce.. it only causes more pain and more heartache.
You will be okay. Ask God to help you throught this betrayal and heart-break. he will lead you through it if you ask him. he knows your hurting and He is waiting with open-arms to hold you.
don’t punish your husband anymore, especially physically. two wrongs don’t make it right. he is already suffering. God has given him the consequences for his actions. forgive, embrace, and love. that is the most rewarding thing you can do. obey God and he will bless you ten-fold. and please pray about excepting his other child. this child did not ask to be brought in the world. the child is suffering too. would you want your children hurting because their father was ripped away from them? probabley not!!! hang in there. if you need a friend please email me at tonihackett03@yahoo.com. God Bless you and your family.
p.s. don’t let the devil win by tearing apart your marriage. that’s what the devil wants. he doesn’t want you to be happy.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
First off lets get this straight he’s not a child! This is his situation and not yours……….. Furthermore does he not understand that he threw his rights to his child away?????? My honest opinion would be for you to end things with your husband, because giving up his rights just to keep you would turn me off totally and scare me!!!!!!!! Throw away the rights of a child! Think with logic he has ruined everything….. But don’t take nothing for granted! Try to gain a relationship with her so that your children can know there brother or sister!!!!!!!!! Life can go on without your husband and don’t drag your children into his ignorance and let him deal with the relationship stuff! But again honestly I would end things, it’s over and it’s not your fault and I wouldn’t blame myself either!
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
I would not stay with this man.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Hello Yahoo Answer mates!
I came to finding out that CarronP had a legitimate question & concern however I may have been too quick in addressing her question. Realizing that I mis judged her I decided to delete my response. Further, I publicly apologize to her and her family. Also, I do sincerely hope that she find answers to all of her life challenges and issues.
All the very best to you
DWK
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
Deceit is very hard to forgive. Unfortunately, affairs are more common in marriage than we like to admit. You are not alone in believing that the person you commit yourself to will do the same for you. True loyalty is an excellent quality and hard to find.
Regarding your situation, you need to give yourself time to sort through the mess he has made - well, as much of it as you want to. Of course we all say divorce is the answer when we get burned, because this is an easy in, easy out culture. The fact that you are asking for insight leads me to believe that you are not sure this is the answer for you - at least for right now. Right now, you need to keep doing just what you are doing…reaching out for help and support. I think someone else mentioned counseling - that is a great idea and I would recommend daily sessions until you can begin to manage your emotions again.
While this may sound ridiculous to you right now, the actions he took after the affair demonstrates some level of care, concern and commitment for you and your children. I’m sure that is why you have this added level of confusion. However, you need not feel guilty for his choices…I cannot say that enough.
For the time being, a separation is definitely in order, but perhaps you might want to consider going to counseling with him in the future. This really depends on whether you think is worth it, and that will be after you recover from some of this shock and pain you are going through.
I survived a horrible affair too - my husband had been cheating for at least a couple of years with different partners and got the last winner pregnant. She already had four children and you can imagine that he was not pleased with his choices. Oddly, he came to me for support, which I gave him in a detached sort of way as I sorted through my own shock. Ultimately, I decided to divorce him. That was over 12 years ago.
About two years back, he called to make an amends, telling me that he had really loved me and did no know why he did those things to me. After ten years of being divorced from him, frankly, I did not care anymore. My point is that these cheatin’ types do end up with a load of remorse and regret, which is not yours to take on. His poor choices are his and his alone. And now, you are in a position to know who you are really dealing with and make an informed decision about whether to continue the marriage or not.
I’m sorry you are going through this pain. Don’t make any immediate decisions and get help from family and friends to take care of the kids while you get the help and support you need.
Remember, some days will be harder than others, but you are a survivor. You are going to make it and you are going to make the decision that is best for you and your children.
Wishing you peace and love through this tough time.
May 5th, 2011 at 7:21 am
hey carron , whats up? thats a verrry heart breaking episode that you have penned. i hope and pray to god that it is not real. but if it is then i would whole heartedly agree with toni . i think by far that has been the most sensible and stable answer among all the others.
now here’s my dilemma . who are you and why are you posting questions with different life devastating situations ? you doing some kinda thesis? i can see that your are particularly interested in the "marriage and divorce" section only. in one particular situation you have posted two questions. one as the man in the relationship and the other as the woman from the same relationship.
what you fishing for babes/dude ????????????????