Does virtual infidelity always lead to physical, and is it considered cheating?
Been married for 9 yrs. Hubby and I were apart due to employment for the last few months of my pregnancy with twins 6 years ago. He made a mistake and sent me an email meant for someone else. It was from a dating website and he was talking to some woman about how they might get together. He said that nothing had happened, he would stop and I let it go. Then a couple of months ago I found that he had set up a secret email and signed up to several cheaters and affair websites. From what I saw of the emails nothing happened then either. He said he was just curious. I let it go this time too. Then recently hubby went on a bus trip. When he came back he was being secretive with his phone, which he never does. He was in the shower when it beeped and I checked it to find a text message from a woman. I looked and they had been txting back and forth, very lovey with mild sexual innuendo and one txt talking about how he was going to try to see her when he was off work at Christmas. She is in a different state. I told him I had seen it, asked him to stop talking to her and he said he would. He took her number off his phone. Well, I found that he has put her number back in his address book with a different name and all of his txt and phone logs are always erased when he comes home. I don’t actually know for sure if he is talking to her or just keeping her number for some reason. I don’t think he has ever actually got together with any of these women, but is it inevitable? If he never physically cheats is it reasonable for me to be upset? And how do I know that he won’t?
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Tags: 6 years, address book, bus trip, cheaters, christmas, dating website, email, hubby, mild sexual innuendo, mistake, one txt, phone logs, pregnancy, text message, twins
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
if hes curious (as he said), then he is capable of cheating, because if he dont plan on cheating, then he wouldnt even bother looking at those sites, and being secretive, that is just another red flag, i just went through this same thing with my best friend, and her husband travels for work as well, and she ignored all the red flags, and i kept telling her the same thing, and she didnt want to believe it, till one day he drained out their bank account and rented an apartment with another woman that he met online and was seeing for a while, now my friend and her 3 kids are struggling just to live, go with ur gut feeling, i can guarantee u that its right, wish u all the best of luck.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
are you kidding, please tell me you are!!! is it ok for your man to have any type of relation with some other female? girl come on you are smarter than that, love yourself a bit more.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
It’s cheating!
Anything that take away from the marriage is cheating and about 85% do make it physical.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
he is cheating on you or wants to!!!
please think of ur children, u dont need an insecure bastard who cant commit. im sorry but its the truth. there are just way too much secretive stuff going on and you dont need to deal with his bull***
you love him i know but seriously if he loved you, he shouldnt be looking somewhere else..
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
In some cases and yes it would lead to
cheating and it is a form of cheating.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
your husband has been looking for women to mess around with virtually for how long? and you are asking if it is a threat to your marriage? It doesn’t matter if he never has sex with any of these people or not, you have a handful of proof that he is not interested in you and does not respect you relationship. Do you want to stay with someone like that?
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
He probably cheated on you already. If he tried out these dating/affair websites once out of pure curiosity that might be understandable but from what you’ve written it seems that he’s tried out these websites several times. How curious can one guy be?
Yes it’s reasonable for you to be upset. No guy in a committed relationship should be using dating websites or be sending/receiving sexual texts from other women.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
ok. he got caught. Sounds like it wasn’t ever supposed to be just a virtual infidelity. Yes it’s inevitable. Don’t be stupid girl. he wants to get with these women with all his might, but you keep catching him, so to shut you up, he says he’ll stop talking to them, then goes right back and talks to them. And don’t be suprised if he’s already screwing one of them, and you just haven’t caught him. Get a brain, he’s cheating, and if he hasn’t done it physically he sure is TRYING to get to that point. Drop him. It’s not like he had a slip up. He keeps doing it, and you keep allowing it. So he’s not ever going to stop even with counselling. My husband did this same crap and I did the same thing you are doing now.
"stop talking to her"
"ok dear"
goes right back and talks to her, waits till I’m out of the house, or he’s got a free minute at work, get’s a quick screw, then comes home to you so you can cook and clean for him. Get out, before he brings something home to you, or a woman comes to your door looking for him (had that happen to me too) and you end up going to jail for attempting or actually beating her a$$ for being on your front porch (never went to jail, but I sure did want to beat her down) Drop him, can I say it one more time? Drop him……….
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
he is already being unfaithful to u even if he hasn’t cheated physically. there r different from of cheating. it doesn’t have to be physical. and yes he seems like the type of man that would have a physical affair as well (i preface that by acknowledging that i’ve never met him and i’m just going by what u have written). maybe he already has. whatever u do in the future, ur kids should always be the number 1 priority. i wish u good luck.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
it sounds like your protecting him for yourself bc you can’t bare to imagine he’d actually do any of it…however, it most definitely sounds like you’re naive. if your husband isn’t being physically unfaithful to you…then he is emotionally. have you ever heard of emotional cheating? also…my big question is if he has had reoccurring encounters with women…whether they be verbal or sexual….and you have asked him to stop…and you still have reason for speculation…why would you put past him that he has physically cheated on you? it sounds like he definitely has the upper hand in the relationship and has gotten away with a lot. i would most definitely ask him to counseling…and since he’s always away on business and will probably use that for a quick and innocent no to the counseling suggestion….change the locks girl. time to take some control here. you can still see a counselor that can direct you where to go with this. you really need to gain some confidence. i’m not sure how you felt about your confidence before your marriage…but you have to know that you deserved it then…and most DEFINITELY deserve it now after carrying his TWINS. he needs a reality check. do him and yourself a favor and give him one. quick!
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
Your story sounds exactly like how it went with my friend’s married lover the first time his wife caught him cheating. He and his buddy set up an account on one of these websites as a joke, just to chat up women; before you know it, he’d met one for a fling in a hotel for the weekend; when he came back he was secretive with his phone and while he was asleep his wife grabbed it and saw a message from the woman to her husband. Wife freaked out; she and hubby went for counseling; he swore he would never do it again; but before long he put up a new profile and was back to trying to pick up women behind his wife’s back. That’s how he met my friend. He told my friend he only ever had sex with one woman from the website (the one he got caught cheating with)! Likely story!! He’s been on and off those websites for almost 9 years!! He and my friend started out planning to have an intimate encounter together, but they developed feelings for each other, and have been seeing each other every week for a year. They message each other every day. He erases all of her messages and their conversations so his wife can’t see them. They talk on the phone a few times each week; but apparently his wife never checks his phone bill. Apparently his wife did see a message from my friend back in March. But he lied and said it was from a woman he was friends with years ago. His wife is director of human resources; she’s university educated…so I don’t know how it is she hasn’t figured out that he’s cheating again; or maybe she knows but just doesn’t care. You are kidding yourself if you think he never physically cheats. You just haven’t caught him yet. My advice, leave him now… He’s not going to stop!!
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:31 am
I’d say if he’s being as persistent as he appears to be, at one time or another he’s going to set up a mtg. w/someone. He is just pursuing this too closely to have it be something of a "friendly/casual" nature. He also is trying too hard to keep it from you, you just KNOW there IS a reason for it, If he does travel w/his job, he knows the territory he’s going to be in, if he keeps this up, something physical I would say is what he’s aiming for. Unfortunately, he’s totally consumed by this person/people & is keeping in close touch w/them. Why in the world would you take your cellphone in the shower w/you?! He does not want you to see what’s going on, Same w/erasing all evidence, but writing things down to keep them. Just keep your eyes & ears open & you w/catch him IF he does get involved w/someone. I would NOT accept the unacceptable!…I DO wish you the best…:)