Desperate Wife Seeking Marital Advice?
Here’s the deal: I’ve been married since October of 2006 to a wonderful man. He is my perfect opposite and is everything I looked for in a lifelong partner—almost. The sad and horrific truth is he has cheated on me on and off throughout the marriage. I cannot possibly express the emotional torment my mind and heart went through during those tumultuous times. He now says he is completely committed to our marriage and seeks only my happiness and well being. He’s done everything I’ve asked him—hand over passwords to online accounts, cell phone records, and call people to prove he was where he said he was when out on his own—and I have yet to uncover any sign of infidelity. We’re in a better financial state now, and all seems to be getting better . . .
Except I can’t get past myself! I always thought I managed learning of his falls from grace very maturely and with the utmost consideration for both myself and him. I never hit him, sought revenge, nor even let him sleep on the couch.
Whatever I was upset about, we’ve discussed openly in an extremely healthy communicative manner. I’m deathly afraid that bitterness has finally set foot in my heart, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m overreacting at every little thing I find, and although he says he has it coming and takes it in stride, I can tell he’s very frustrated. I always looked down at bitter women who are constantly negative toward their husbands, but I find myself heading down that same slippery slope. I don’t like what I’ve become. I used to be such a happy, carefree person. I always saw the glass as half full while still maintaining a decent understanding of reality and its hardships. Nothing could sink me then . . . but now I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind!
So my question is . . . do these feelings simply heal with time, or is there something more proactive I should be doing? I’m sick of snooping through his stuff, because it never makes me feel more secure. If anything, I just assume he’s gotten better at hiding the dirt. Is this marriage too far gone to save? I don’t believe in divorce unless it is an exceptional circumstance. All relationships have hardships, and I don’t want to quit when we have a chance to make it back on course. Please help with any advice you may have. If you just seek to maliciously bash my husband for what he did, don’t even bother posting. He may have hurt me, but I still love him deeply and will not tolerate any abuse towards him. Thanks for taking the time to read through my questions.
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Tags: 2c, bitter women, bitterness, cell phone records, couch, feelings, happiness, hardships, horrific truth, infidelity, lifelong partner, losing my mind, marriage, passwords, revenge, slippery slope, torment, tumultuous times, utmost consideration, wonderful man
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I admire you for how you are trying to handle this. Too many people can only imagine two extremes … everything is either wonderful or it’s time to get a divorce. I am impressed with you.
Unfortunately, I don’t know of any quick fix. What you have been through impacts a person on a very deep level. Your love and maturity doesn’t make it emotionally OK for you. You need time to heal. If he behaves there is a very real possibility that you will eventually heal. It may take quite awhile. Be patient with yourself. There may always be times when the pain resurfaces for awhile and you may find yourself having to deal with it again for a short time.
It might be helpful to you to have some counseling. Being able to unload and process this with another person could help. It could also be helpful to enjoy friends and activities that are not connected to this marriage situation. It could give you a helpful breather if you are not always immersed in the marriage issues. Prayer and other spiritual disciplines can help.
Without knowing more about you than I see in the question I am inclined to think that your husband is a very lucky man. I hope he realizes this.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
you know the key is to FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE DONE…..OK you wont forget, but forgive and tell him direct in his eyes and coming from your heart
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Divorce his cheating ass. He obviously has a problem keeping his pants zipped up.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
You’re depressed…and with very good reason.
Keep talking to your husband about this, and you two probably need the advice of a marriage counselor too to assist you in trying to rebuild your future together. Since you’d like it to work, there seems to be hope here, and it’ll help your husband to have something to work on with you. It’ll give him hope.
Good luck, I know this must be really tough. You’re a fine wife to even be trying.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
None of us want to bash him but please you are the only one who can catch him out when he is out cheating on you again.Once a cheater always a cheater.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I dont have any advice for you just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am going thru the same thing with my wife but she is the one that cheated. I have just turned to the lord for strength but it is hard.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
im sorry your going through this rough time but like you said you love him and hes saying hes commited to your marriage- and your feelings will heal in time but he has got to earn the right for you to trust him again and this aint going to come overnight and you have to stop yourself cheeking up on him or this will only make things worse between you both why dont you try a marriage councilor they might help you both and if he agrees to go then he wants to work through this with you good luck with this and i hope this helps
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
He committed the ultimate betrayal………he cheated..more then once. A cheater will always cheat again. You should have left him the very first time he cheated. You will never be able to trust him. That is a fact! Where was your self respect that you would stay with him while he cheated on you several times??? Don’t you think you deserve to be loved and respected??? Do you think if a man loves you that he is going to cheat and hurt you like that???? You are showing no self respect even now. WAKE UP!!
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
You have been married a year and half. He has cheated "off and on" which means he has cheated continuously since you were married. Be honest. At the time when you two should be like bunnies with each other, he is off getting it on the side! It is no wonder you are insecure!
I do not know if you can get over it. I do not think I could if my wife cheated. Really. I do not think I could. I give her everything I have, physically, emotionally, financially…everything. If she cheated on me (and I do not have any reason to believe that at all) I just do not think I could get over it. If everything I have is not enough for her, how could it ever be?
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
for me lying and sexual/emotional cheating are deal breakers. simply bc i don’t trust that many people, it takes a while ot earn and once you’ve lied to my face and gotten away with it, i have to assume every other thing has just as much potential to be a beautiful lie. at that point, they have learned to lie and manipulate. he took you for granted for a loooooong time, and hurt you, god so deeply, damn, i know. and you tried, you have given it your absolute best, but he broke a cornerstone. HE broke it, and no matter what you do (and please don’t let it get to the point where you take anxiety meds just to cope with his infidelity) he broke what was beautiful, and for me, idk, i can take almost anything honestly, but lying and disrespect, can’t be undone or forgotten. if i can’t trust you, or have to double check behind you like a warden, phone calls, emails,it’s not good. it’ll be the death of your happy spirit. it really will. half feeling like you are safe, half as though it is another false facade, can it or he ever be trusted? and wow, that is a constantly hurting place to be. i think you should be apart for a little while. rediscover yourself. be angry, you have every right to be. if it wasn’t an open marriage, it was an emotionally abusive one - cheating is emotional abuse. i hope he used condoms. and didn;t expose you to any further risks.
take a month or two apart. if you can afford it, go to ao healing spa, go somewhere you want to go with friends. renew yourself and then see how you feel. it is normal to be scared by change, but, ask yourself why you are staying and is that a good enough reason to stay? and, do you believe men who cheat repeatedly, can permanently change their patterns?
good luck, i’m really sorry! be with friends, lots of funny movies!!!
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Hi, a real pain u r facing! But as you said, this can very well heal with time I tell you! Please FORGIVE HIM. You can find solace in GOD’s prayer, YOGA or start a nice HOBBY to keep yourself some busy. If you still waste time, he will definitely burn-out his stamina to convince you. Believe me, its hard to find ppl who are bold to admit their mistakes & try to correct them.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Stop snooping around his stuff and learn how to trust again ! Go on a vacation and start to remember everyday, why you fell in love and married this man in the first place. We all make mistakes and he has started to proof you, how he regretted the matter and how he wants to do what’s right! Give him a chance and stop being paranoid ! Good luck !
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I know just what you are going through because I have been there myself . My first husband and I were married for 20 years before he passed away . In our 10 th year of marriage My husband cheated on me with my best friend in the world . I was devastated because the two people I trusted the most in this world betrayed me . I forgave him and It was really hard for a really long time for me to trust him . I eventually decided that my marriage was worth fighting for because I had said my Vows and I believed in them 100% . In our 15th year of marriage my husband became disabled due to his Diabeties . I was by his side through every surgery (16 in all ) and I became the sole bread winner in year 18. When things were said and done I realised that for all his faults he truly loved me and was weak when he needed to be strong . He became a modle husband and reformed his ways . It was hard to trust him but I decided that my marriage was worth fighting for .
Not every situation or person is the same . You need to decide to let it go if you are gonna stay and make this marriage work . It will be hard , but it will also be worth your time and effort . Good Luck and God Bless.
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Baby…you love him and I believe he loves you.
Trust the man that you love..
Ignorance is BLISS…..
December 21st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Forgiveness is the miracle you seek. Unless you have that part of your brain surgically removed, you won’t forget what has happened. But you can choose for yourself to forgive him. Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself? You’re letting all this hurt and anger corrupt your sweet spirit. By your post, your husband has bent over backwards to make things as right as he can. Dare I say more than a lot of men would do. Now it’s time for you to let go of all that anger and hurt. Because your marriage cannot go forward until you do. Now it’s time for both of you to rediscover each other, and forge a renewed relationship. Date like you just met. Relearn each other from the ground up. Rediscover why you fell in love with each other in the first place. And then move on. As long as he never exhibits the behavior he did when he was cheating again, consider this as the fire that forged your marriage stronger than before.
Good Luck. I really do hope the two of you make it.
Peace