Dealing with Infidelity? Please Help?
My husband recently cheated on me. To be honest, people always say that men in happy relationships don’t cheat. Well, that is completely untrue. We had no relationship issues whatsoever. He admits that his cheating comes from his unhappiness with himself not from unhappiness within our relationship, and he chases women because it makes him feel good about himself. He wants to work it out, but I think that if I don’t at least try to work it out with him, I will always regret not knowing whether or not he could have fulfilled his promises. We have no kids, by the way. So I have made a list of things I need in order for us to be able to work this out together. They are mainly based on the fact that he broke all trust between us, and he needs to prove his trust before things can be somewhat normal again.
1. Counseling all around. Couples counseling, and individual counseling for me and for him.
2. He signs a post-nuptial agreement stating that in the event that he cheats in any way, I get everything in a divorce. This isn’t about money, but its a big gesture of his intentions. If he had any intentions on ever cheating again he wouldn’t want to sign it because he knows he would lose everything. I just feel like if I am putting my butt out on the line in trying to work this out with him, he should put something major out on the line as well.
3. All internet accounts will be shared. We can have the same e-mail, Facebook, Myspace, etc. Normally I am very respectful of his privacy, but I feel like if he wants to have my trust back then he should earn it. At this point I don’t feel comfortable staying with him unless everything is all out on the table. He would only care if he had something to hide (he’s always had my passwords to accounts).
4. His money will be monitored. His personal account is being closed, and he will be using our joint account for everything. I have the right to see and to ask where his money is going.
5. He’s changing his number, and he’s deleting certain numbers from his phone. I have the right to look at his phone records at any time to see what calls he is making and to whom.
6. Him going out by himself is not a possibility. I trusted him with that and he blew it. If he wants to go out, we can go out as a couple. If he wants a boys night, they can come over to our house and I will stay out of their hair. Other than that I don’t feel comfortable with him going out on his own.
All in all, I think that is it. I’ve given him this list, and he is more than happy to do all of these things. He said he will do anything to try to work this out with me and to try to prove that he can be trust worthy again. I feel like my list is harsh, but I also feel like the situation warrants it. I was just trying to be honest with him about what I personally would need for this to work. He has the option to do it or to not do it, but I want him to know that its not easy and its not overnight. I told him that I foresee these rules sticking around for at least five years. It will take a long time for me to be able to trust him again.
This is very hard, and I want to be able to trust him again, but he needs to earn it back by proving he can be trusted again. He says he’s alright with all of these rules, but I waver between them being too harsh and them being totally necessary. When we go to counseling I would like to someday set a date where if he has proven his trust then we will put this all behind us. Please tell me what you guys think. Does this make sense?
These things aren’t meant to prevent him from ever being able to cheat. Its meant for him to show me that he has nothing to hide as of now, and its what I personally need for us to start to try to rebuild trust. These rules won’t last forever, just until the trust can come together again…
Mail this post
Tags: butt, chases, couples counseling, divorce, e mail, gesture, internet accounts, money, passwords, personal account, post nuptial agreement, promises, relationship issues, relationships, unhappiness
March 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
i’m sorry to hear about your husband cheating on you - but your listing these demands and basically giving him these ultimatiums is a no go………..he is a human being, and so are you. how would you feel if it was the other way about?????
to be honest - unless you can see yourself letting him have some privacy and earning his trust again that way, I dont see how your relationship is ever ever going to work with your being so controlling!!!
good luck what ever you decide to do.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
You can forgive, for yourself, not for him, it will help you not to be eaten up by bitterness to forgive him, that said, you need not ever forget. The list you have seems like you are doomed for failure, not to be mean but it seems like you are very demanding and that might be why he thought the grass was greener….
Try Divorce Remedy, it is a book and they also have a website and counselors that are focused on solutions to your problems, not a freudian or any other kind of analysis of you past relationships, childhood or whatever. Focus on the present, the future will take care of itself. If you dwell on the past, you will be miserable. With the counselor I had, I changed my perspective and way of doing things and my husband changed a lot of things and he never even went to counseling. I would have never believed it, but I lived it.
To me the plan you propose is no way to live for him or you, please reconsider your plan. You appear very vindictive and self righteous, I hope I am not offending you and I probably am a little, but if you love him you won’t treat him like a child regardless of a Big mistake he has made.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
With all of your demands, the relationship is hopeless.
Either you forgive him or you don’t, it’s not conducive to a healthy and trusting relationship to have your spouse on such a tight leash.
If he is going to cheat again, he will do so, even while meeting all of your demands and you will be none he wiser.
I understand that you feel vulnerable and your demands are an attempt to protect yourself from him doing the same thing again, but you can only suppress his true intentions temporarily with your demands.
Either he has learned from his mistake and you can both move forward or he has not learned a thing and will continue the same behavior.
It is better to give him enough rope to hang himself than it is to think that YOU can prevent him from doing this again.
Good luck either way, I wish you the best!
March 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Wow I give you credit. I would say if he is willing to do all that just to make things work then go for it, I do not think many men would agree to a list like that.
Good Luck,
Linda
March 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
You can demand essentially three things.
That it stops NOW
That it will not happen again
And he tell you what happens if it does ( that post nuptial thing)
Apart from that you really cannot demand anything.
All other has to be voluntary.
Get the book, "After the Affair".
It has trust building strategy and is a good read fro both of you.
Much of what you have asked goes into the category of "low cost"
trust building . Much of it works.
I’m thinking 5 years is a little on the long side. If you cannot get this majorly done at one year and essentially over by two, give it up now.
No one needs five years of this especially you.